


Teach Me How to Love

by hongbab



Category: VIXX
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, and hongbin is mentioned, just so you know, taekwoon and wonshik are there too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12406086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongbab/pseuds/hongbab
Summary: He said loving Jaehwan was more futile than longing for someone who was long dead. And he was probably right.





	Teach Me How to Love

**Author's Note:**

> written for [this](https://curiouscat.me/hongbab/post/152979635) request   
>  recommended song: paramore - [the only exception](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J7J_IWUhls)   
>  please be gentle, i'm battling writer's block (and life)

A shrill sound cuts through the white noise inside Jaehwan’s ears, jolting him out of his state of lingering between sleep and consciousness. He hears grumbling from behind his back, the mattress creaking under someone’s weight, and then a nasal, hoarse voice says, “Yes? No, I was asleep. Yeah. Yeah, I’m just gonna… ugh. Give me twenty minutes.”

Jaehwan cracks his eyes open, the morning sunlight filtering through his blackout curtains warming up his skin, the blanket thrown over his waist becoming completely unnecessary.

The weight behind him shifts again and Jaehwan turns around slowly, rubbing at his eyes with a fist. There is a boy—Taekwoon, if his memory hasn’t failed him—sitting on the edge of his mattress with his head bowed between broad shoulders, the sight of the pink scratches covering the pale skin of his back making Jaehwan blush. Taekwoon stands up lazily, wide hips making a circular motion as he stretches, and his body is perfect. Perfectly intact, too, as it seems, contrary to how sore Jaehwan feels all over, the smallest movement of his legs making him moan softly.

When Taekwoon turns around, he’s already dressed, tapping at his pockets to see if he’s got all his stuff and then he blinks up at Jaehwan almost shyly, scratching the back of his head, messing up his hair even more.

“I’ve got to go,” he murmurs, averting his eyes for a second.

There’s a beat, a pause, and Jaehwan tries to think of something to say, but feels like ‘okay’ would sound awkward. Taekwoon takes action instead of him, placing a hand on the mattress to support himself as he leans to Jaehwan, pecking his cheek fleetingly before he pulls away.

“Talk to you later,” he says, and then he’s standing in front of the front door, unlocking it and stepping out onto the corridor.

Jaehwan rolls on his stomach, feeling his pulse all over his body, trying to decide if his headache is worse than the pain in his hips. He decides then that it doesn’t matter, because Taekwoon was handsome and he kissed Jaehwan’s cheek, and he almost feels sorry they aren’t going to talk ever again.

Almost.

  
  


Now, Jaehwan is generally a bubbly guy, at least in his very, very small circle of friends. This, however, is an unfamiliar place, a new club in town, and Hakyeon is tugging him along by the wrist, pulling him through the mass of people talking and drinking by the outdoor dance floor.

“Hakyeon, I’m too sober for this!” Jaehwan yells above the pounding music. “I’ve only had one beer!”

“I know!” Hakyeon shouts and makes a U-turn for the counter. “I’m going to get you something!”

“Okay, but— Hakyeon!” Jaehwan yanks Hakyeon back and Hakyeon stops in front of him. “I’m going to wait for you there.” He points at a nearby bench.

Hakyeon nods and in the next moment, he disappears between the tens or hundreds of bodies, the sight of which already makes Jaehwan feel dizzy.

He starts walking towards the bench, but then someone grabs his arm a little roughly, pulling him to the side.

“Jaehwan-ah!”

There are now arms around him and he is pulled into a tight hug, the familiar scent of a musky perfume mixing with the pungent smell of whiskey reaching his nose. When the man lets go of him, Jaehwan is greeted by small teeth in a similarly small, smiling mouth, the sleepy eyes just above the big nose crinkling at the sides.

“Wonshik,” Jaehwan says and forces a smile back.

“How are you?” Wonshik asks, winding an arm around Jaehwan’s shoulders to tuck him into his side. “It’s been ages! Are you alone? Would you like to drink something?”

That’s Wonshik for you, Wonshik at his happiest. The boy is full of love and affection, quite stiflingly so, and he likes to show it whenever he drinks himself brave enough. Even now, he looks at Jaehwan with sparkling eyes and Jaehwan feels uncomfortable under the weight of his gaze, a memory of Wonshik looking at him like this and telling him, ‘I love you, please, let me love you, Jaehwan, I would give you everything’ flashing through his mind.

“Sorry, I’m just too happy to see you around,” Wonshik laughs, rubbing Jaehwan’s shoulder with his thumb as he looks up at the guys standing around them. “I don’t think you guys have met before. This is Sungwoon, Jongin, and Sanghyuk. Guys, this is Jaehwan.”

Jaehwan tries not to grimace as Sungwoon says hi and Jongin waves at him, Sanghyuk, the tallest (and youngest-looking—is he even allowed in this club?) smiling welcomingly.

“So, what would you like to drink?” Wonshik asks, his tongue moving a bit slowly.

“I’m, uh,” Jaehwan mumbles and wiggles out from under Wonshik’s arm. “Hakyeon’s bringing me something, so I… I told him I’d be waiting for him there, so… see you around!”

And before Wonshik could make him stay, he makes a beeline for the bench, hiding behind the people and trying to be as small as he can when he sits down, fishing his phone out of his pocket just to look busy, so no one will pester him.

But obviously—it is obvious, because it happens to Jaehwan way too often—, tipsy people don’t understand this form of metacommunication, so when someone asks, ‘May I?’ as their butt hovers above the other end of the bench, Jaehwan only heaves a frustrated sigh.

“Um, I know you don’t owe me an answer, but…” Jaehwan looks up at the guy sitting next to him, his eyes settling on the face of one of Wonshik’s friends’, Sanghyuk’s. “Are you possibly upset because of Wonshik?”

It takes him some time to process the question and the light coming from his phone screen dims while Jaehwan thinks.

“No,” he says. “I’m really waiting for Hakyeon to bring me my drink.”

“Hakyeon, you say?” Sanghyuk asks and fidgets on the bench as if he wants to scoot closer (probably to hear Jaehwan better over the music), but can’t decide whether that would be appropriate. “Are we talking about Cha Hakyeon? Average height, tanned skin, about 27 years old?”

“Yeah,” Jaehwan replies, furrowing his brow. “Do you know him?”

“Ah,” Sanghyuk says and turns the beer bottle around in his grip. “He used to date my sister.”

“Oh,” Jaehwan answers and looks down at his feet drawing circles into the dirt.

“I think you might have to buy your own drink though.”

When Jaehwan glances up, Sanghyuk is looking into the general direction of the counter, in front of which Hakyeon now crosses arms with a girl, both of them downing their shots at the same time. When they put the shot glasses back on the counter, Hakyeon reaches out almost tentatively, tucking a lock of hair behind the girl’s ear, at which she smiles shyly. Jaehwan snorts at the scene.

“You can have this one, if you’d like,” Sanghyuk says and Jaehwan turns to him, seeing the almost full bottle of beer in Sanghyuk’s hand held out to him. He blinks back up at Sanghyuk, and the boy, as if receiving some kind of revelation from the heavens, nods to himself and takes a tissue out of his jeans’ pocket to wipe the mouth of the bottle. “No bacteria, I promise.”

He’s grinning and he looks like a kitten mixed with a bear cub, the corners of his lips curving upwards and his fleshy nose flattening out in the middle of his face. Jaehwan really can’t say no to cute things.

He takes the bottle and drinks a sip, a smile slowly making its way on his face until he’s beaming at the bottle in his hands.

“Thanks,” he says, and he sees from the corner of his eye how Sanghyuk’s eyes crinkle even more.

Jaehwan puts the beer bottle between the two off them on the bench and offers it to Sanghyuk, the two of them sharing it in the end, Sanghyuk talking about how he knows Wonshik from the university they both attend.

“And how do you know him?” Sanghyuk asks, drinking from the beer afterwards.

Jaehwan takes the bottle from Sanghyuk and gulps down half of what’s left in it at once.

How did he and Wonshik meet? It’s not a very exciting story, but a rather painful one still, as he and Wonshik first ran into each other at a different club, intoxicated and disgustingly gone, ending up making out in a toilet stall after only a few minutes of dancing. Wonshik then slept at Jaehwan’s and Jaehwan woke up sated the next morning (well, okay, noon), only to find Wonshik staring at him in the filtered sunlight. He put a hand on Jaehwan’s cheek gently, caressing it with his thumb.

“You’re beautiful,” he said and that made Jaehwan blush. “Say, would you go on a date with me?”

Jaehwan said he’d need to think and Wonshik left it at that at the time, but he kept texting Jaehwan and they kept running into each other at the club, always ending up in bed together until Wonshik knew exactly where to caress him and how to hold him for Jaehwan to feel true bliss. And Wonshik kept asking him out, too, until he was kneeling in front of Jaehwan with tears in his eyes and couldn’t understand that Jaehwan didn’t feel anything—he was empty.

“We met somewhere in town,” Jaehwan replies to Sanghyuk’s question now and hands the bottle over to him.

There’s silence between them for a few moments, but then Sanghyuk starts talking about the music surrounding them; he asks Jaehwan about his favourite band and asks him to type their name into the notes on his phone so he can listen to them at home. He asks a lot of questions and Jaehwan finds it easy to converse with him—to just answer him without having to rack his brains to come up with topics or to find an excuse to leave. Sanghyuk eventually slides closer to him on the bench and Jaehwan catches it from the corner of his eye that Sanghyuk rubs his palm against his thigh, probably to wipe off the sweat.

Jaehwan leaves the club a little after 2 a.m., leaving Hakyeon behind to snog with that girl under a tree, and he’s still half sober.

There is a strange feeling in his stomach though, one that reaches his chest and he puts a hand just a little left of his sternum to try and soothe the ache that makes him smile to himself in the taxi, because it hurts, but it’s good. And it’s scary.

  
  


Jaehwan is quite glad the night is coming to a close, the clock striking midnight as he wipes the dirt off the counter just in front of the cash registers.

There were way too many guests at the restaurant tonight considering how it was only a regular Wednesday with no particular events held in town, but, maybe it’s just because next week brings the start of the new semester and college students wanted to spend the last week of their summer holiday as deliriously as possible. That also meant there were a lot of drunk students loitering around the restaurant all night, asking for crazy burger creations that the place wasn’t even supposed to make for them. Secret menu items—they asked for those as if a secret menu existed at any of the restaurants in the entire fast food chain.

Jaehwan sighs deeply and it gets cut off by the sound of the automatic door sliding apart, the  _whoosh_  of it followed by a cool breeze.

“Sorry, we’re closing,” Jaehwan says in a hoarse, tired voice, not even looking up from the task at hand, cursing himself for forgetting to lock the door.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the newcomer says.

The tone makes something click inside Jaehwan’s brain, the familiarity making him frown as he looks up. In front of him, Sanghyuk is grinning widely, elbowing on the counter with one of his earbuds in his right ear, hair tucked under a white baseball cap.

“Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan breathes, and promptly blushes.

He and Sanghyuk have been texting each other the past two weeks, since they met at the club, but Jaehwan has never once mentioned where he works… mostly because he was ashamed to admit all he was good at was making hamburgers.

“What are you doing here?” Jaehwan mumbles, resuming cleaning the counter.

“Well, Wonshik told me where you work at,” Sanghyuk says and he looks sheepish, as if he possessed information he wasn’t supposed to. “And, I’m pretty thirsty, too.”

“I can get you some cola if you want,” Jaehwan says and presents a paper cup. “But we really are closing, so…”

“I know,” Sanghyuk replies. “That’s why I chose to come at this time. I wouldn’t say no to the cola though.”

Jaehwan raises his eyebrows as he steps to the tap to get Sanghyuk some of the beverage, placing a plastic cap on the cup and stabbing a straw through it before he hands it over to the boy. Sanghyuk fishes some bank notes out of his back pocket, but Jaehwan shakes his head.

“I’ve already closed the cash register,” he replies. “But, seriously, why are you here?”

“I hoped we could talk some,” Sanghyuk says, sipping his cola. “You said you were too busy all the time, so I thought, if only after work we could talk a little, that would be great. I hope you don’t think this is… you know, too much.”

“Ah,” Jaehwan says, and he’s half flattered, half embarrassed, but mostly feels uncomfortable. “I still have a lot to do and then I need to catch my bus.”

“I can give you a lift,” Sanghyuk answers. “And I can wait until you finish. Promise I won’t try to hinder you.”

He looks truly hopeful and the smile on his kitten lips is a bit pleading and Jaehwan— he’s still too soft for cute things.

“Okay,” he nods. “You can wait for me there if you’d like, but it’s going to take at least half an hour more.”

“Great,” Sanghyuk grins and takes his cup to the table Jaehwan pointed at just now.

Sanghyuk asks him about traffic today and Jaehwan finds himself complaining a tad too easily—he isn’t used to doing that, because no one really cares about his complaints, about the things that bother him. Only Hakyeon ever listens, but even Hakyeon gets bored of it too quickly, talking about his own problems as soon as Jaehwan takes a breath to continue. But Sanghyuk is sitting by the table, sipping his cola and not saying more than a few words of agreement and making indignant noises at the most outrageous parts (like when a guy asked Jaehwan to give him an empty bun in lunch deal at 6 o'clock). Jaehwan blinks up at him every now and then to see if Sanghyuk is really paying attention and finds the boy following him with his gaze, curiosity showing on his face. Jaehwan dearly hopes it’s not fake.

When Jaehwan thuds down opposite Sanghyuk with his stomach rumbling loudly and a cold cheeseburger meant to have been thrown away already because it’s been on the rack for over an hour in his hands, the only lamps turned on are the ones leading the way towards the private exit.

“Mind if I eat this real quick?” he asks tiredly.

“'Course not,” Sanghyuk shakes his head and that’s all Jaehwan needs to unwrap the burger and bite off half of it in one go.

Sanghyuk must see him struggling with the dry bun in his mouth, because he pushes the paper cup closer to Jaehwan on the table and when Jaehwan glances up at him questioningly, he smiles encouragingly. After Jaehwan drinks from the cola, he puts it down on the table and forgets his hand on it, Sanghyuk’s hand covering his as he tries to take it back, both of them yanking their hands back as if they touched hot metal.

“Sorry,” Sanghyuk mutters and Jaehwan only blinks down at his cheeseburger, biting into it and trying not to suffocate from it as he feels his fingers tingling.

“What are you listening to?” Jaehwan asks instead as soon as he can speak between two bites.

“Oh, this?” Sanghyuk points at his earphone and takes the other half of it from his lap, reaching over the table to put it into Jaehwan’s left ear.

Jaehwan’s eyes go wide immediately, the song flowing through his nerves like the best surprise he’s ever received.

“This— this is—”

“You said it was your favourite,” Sanghyuk laughs. “It’s honestly so good I can’t stop listening to it, I have it on loop!”

“You remembered?” Jaehwan asks, feeling the tips of his ears heating up and most probably going crimson.

“Why else would I have asked if not so that I could listen to it?” Sanghyuk asks, holding up his palms.

Jaehwan quickly gathers his jaw from the floor and stuffs the last morsels of his burger into his mouth in order to hide his wonderment.

No one before Sanghyuk had asked him about his favourite song so they could listen to it on loop.

Sanghyuk takes him home in his old, rusty Suzuki, the radio crackling in the background as they listen to a show called 'Greatest Hits of the 1980’s’. They don’t talk much, but Sanghyuk still thanks Jaehwan for the cola when he pulls up to Jaehwan’s apartment building, tells him he was glad they could meet if only for such a short time.

“Sorry for asking Wonshik about where you worked,” he says shyly. “I didn’t really mean to; I was just wondering where you worked at and he told me. And he also told me that you were working in the night shift tonight. I didn’t mean to come off as a stalker.”

“No, I'm—” Jaehwan smiles, and it’s weak, he can feel it, “well, thank you for taking me home.”

Sanghyuk nods. “I hope we can meet again soon.”

“Yeah, let’s keep in touch,” Jaehwan replies and opens the door, scrambles to get out of the small space.

“Good night, Jaehwan,” Sanghyuk says, his eyes shining brightly in the light of the dashboard.

“Good night, Sanghyuk.”

Jaehwan closes the car door, and walks to the building, typing in his code and walking up the steps. His heart never usually beats this fast after climbing up those three flights of stairs to his front door.

  
  


The breakdown comes on a Friday evening, finding Jaehwan with shaky limbs, stomach cramps, and unshed tears prickling his eyes as he tries to drink up as much air as he can, his chest heavy with the weight of his panic attack. He curls up on his bed, trying to suppress his noises by pressing a pillow on his face.

Usually it would be Hakyeon he’d turn to whenever he feels anxious, but he hasn’t mentioned Sanghyuk to Hakyeon as if Sanghyuk was a spell that disappeared if Jaehwan admitted he existed.

It was indeed Sanghyuk that has caused him to struggle in bed, feeling sick to his stomach, his tears stinging his eyes. He didn’t say anything wrong, nor did he force Jaehwan to do anything; all he did was ask Jaehwan if he would like to go out with him to the park in the middle of town with a bottle of wine, to look at the stars. 'I read there’d be some shooting stars; I bet it’s going to be pretty’, he said, and it took Jaehwan more than a day to finally say yes, to step out of his comfort zone, even if he felt more than just a little jittery about it.

Now, though, with his crisp, freshly washed jeans sitting on his hips unbuttoned, the clock ticking incessantly on the wall and closing in on 9 p.m., Jaehwan thinks this is a very, very bad idea.

What does Sanghyuk want from him? What does he want from Sanghyuk? Do either of them even want anything from the other? Jaehwan doesn’t do relationships, he can’t do relationships, he’s a mess, he can’t do this, he—

He takes a few deep breaths, the pillow on his face still smelling a bit of Hakyeon’s cologne from the last time he slept over, and that calms Jaehwan’s nerves, makes breathing easier. He’s going to do this, because he has to. He’s a grown man and Sanghyuk probably only wants to be friends. He’s too good to want to be anything but friends with someone as rotten as Jaehwan.

He stands up from the bed with legs feeling like jelly, finishes buttoning his jeans and staggers into the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face, trying to make the redness of the whites of his eyes disappear. His hair looks good (a little overdone), his half-naked body—not so: too skinny, but it’s decent for stargazing because you do that with your eyes and those still work, even if they’re a little red right now.

With the corkscrew in his jacket pocket (Sanghyuk said he’d bring the wine), Jaehwan sighs at his now fully clad reflection, the perfume behind his ears smelling too strong, but, this is not a date. He shouldn’t be worried about scaring Sanghyuk away with the too thick cloud of perfume around him. Fuck his twisted logic.

Sanghyuk pulls up by the curb in front of Jaehwan’s apartment building a few minutes later, grinning at Jaehwan through the window as he unlocks the door for him.

“Hey,” he greets Jaehwan happily, and Jaehwan forces a smile.

The air is thick inside the car from Sanghyuk’s perfume and, oh, it smells very nice, but it’s also too much, just like Jaehwan’s.

Jaehwan’s limbs go cold. This might be a fucking date.

“Do you know that hill on the Western side of the park?” Sanghyuk asks, turning the volume lower on some awful radio music. “The one where that old ass oak stands?”

“Yeah,” Jaehwan nods. “Is that where we’re going?”

“Mm,” Sanghyuk murmurs in assent. “That’s where it’s going to be the most visible.”

“Just how many times have you watched shooting stars from the top of the hill?” Jaehwan asks jokingly and his stomach churns at how jealous he sounded. This doesn’t need to be special, he can’t be special enough to Sanghyuk and his stupid brain needs to understand that.

“I like the stars,” Sanghyuk laughs and Jaehwan makes a noise similar to a chuckle, though it wasn’t a real answer.

Sanghyuk parks the car by the gate and digs into the trunk of his car, fishing out a bottle of sweet red wine and a baby blue blanket.

“Thought this might come in handy,” Sanghyuk says, holding up the blanket while his head is still deep inside the trunk. “Hmm, I thought I brought plastic cups…”

“Wine is best drunk out of a wine glass or straight from the bottle,” Jaehwan says. “On a second thought… it’s best drunk straight from the bottle.”

Sanghyuk giggles and Jaehwan’s heartrate doubles at that, only for the precious organ to skip a beat when Sanghyuk hits his head into the trunk lid and lets out a quiet “ow”.

“Are you okay?” Jaehwan asks, almost stuttering into it.

“Fine,” Sanghyuk murmurs, scratching his head as he emerges. He slams the lid closed angrily and the sound makes Jaehwan wince, but Sanghyuk doesn’t notice it. Thank God.

They walk through the pathway leading to the hill in silence, darkness engulfing them between two lamp posts. Once on top of the hill, Sanghyuk unfolds the blanket and places it on the ground, sitting down with the bottle between his legs.

“Did you bring the corkscrew?” he asks, blinking up at Jaehwan.

He looks even more handsome in the moonlight, the stars shining in his eyes, and Jaehwan feels speechless, so he only hands the corkscrew over to Sanghyuk, sitting down next to him.

The bottle gets passed between them and the less wine is in it, the less anxious Jaehwan feels. He laughs at Sanghyuk’s jokes and the moment Sanghyuk discovers that he is wearing mismatching socks, and afterwards, at Sanghyuk’s grumpiness.

They lie down next to each other on the blanket after finishing the wine, Jaehwan’s head feeling funny and his face too warm as their arms touch.

“That’s Sirius,” Sanghyuk says, reaching out to point at one of the million stars in the clear sky.

“Black?” Jaehwan asks; a joke he didn’t really mean to crack, but the wine did.

“Nerd,” Sanghyuk says and when Jaehwan turns his head towards him, he notices Sanghyuk smiling.

“Sirius Nerd? Never heard of him. Did he break out from Azkaban, too?”

“Oh, God,” Sanghyuk laughs, turning to Jaehwan. “I’m the one who’s supposed to tell awful jokes to impress you.”

Jaehwan opens his mouth to say something, but finds himself blushing as he looks into Sanghyuk’s happy eyes, so he turns his gaze back towards the clear sky.

“Sorry,” he says. “I know Sirius; everyone knows Sirius. It’s the brightest star on the sky.”

“And do you know that one?” Sanghyuk asks, now pointing somewhere else.

“You do know that I have no idea which one of the zillion stars you’re pointing at, right?”

“Can you see the constellation Gemini?”

“I don’t know how that constellation looks like,” Jaehwan admits, feeling a little stupid.

“Look,” Sanghyuk says and draws a dome-like shape in the air. “That shiny star just there is Pollux and that other one just next to it is its twin, Castor. They’re not really twins though; Pollux is a single star while Castor is a sextuple system.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard anybody say the word ‘sextuple’ before…” Jaehwan muses, completely missing the point of Sanghyuk’s eloquent lecture. “Oh! A shooting star!”

Jaehwan remembers he should make a wish a second too late and the star disappears, leaving him wondering how many seconds need to pass until his wish doesn’t matter anymore, but then another shooting star comes and his breath hitches like a child’s.

“If you think about it,” Sanghyuk says, “it’s funny how we’re lying here, being excited about some rocks burning up. Sounds like something cavemen must have enjoyed back then.”

“Shut up, this is a miracle.”

Sanghyuk huffs out a laugh. “I guess,” he shrugs, his shoulder moving against Jaehwan’s. “Maybe I just know too much about stars. Maybe that’s the same reason why cavemen stopped thinking shit burning up was fascinating.”

“Arsonists still think shit burning up is fascinating,” Jaehwan points out.

“I… I really can’t argue with that.”

Another three stars fall and suddenly Jaehwan becomes aware of the hand holding his own, the fingers warm around his icy palm. When he looks at Sanghyuk, the boy has his eyes closed, cracking one of them open.

“Are you sleeping?” Jaehwan asks with his mouth newly independent of his brain.

“No,” Sanghyuk chuckles and blinks both of his eyes open. “I was making a wish.”

“Oh,” Jaehwan says, glancing down at Sanghyuk’s chest. “Did you wish for that grasshopper to leave you alone?”

“Grass— what? Oh my God!”

Sanghyuk immediately lets go of Jaehwan’s hand and tries to brush off the grasshopper, but the little insect is already sitting on the blanket between the two of them. Jaehwan turns to the side and takes it between his fingers carefully, coaxing a faint cry out of Sanghyuk as he holds it up to his face.

“It won’t hurt you,” Jaehwan laughs at Sanghyuk’s grimace. “Look, it’s so cute!”

“Cute, he says,” Sanghyuk mumbles. “It attacked me.”

“Did not,” Jaehwan replies. “Your green shirt probably confused the poor thing.”

“Ugh,” Sanghyuk lies back and looks at the insect. “Okay, maybe it isn’t so scary when it’s not hopping around. Hey, little guy.”

When Sanghyuk scoots closer to observe the grasshopper, Jaehwan loosens his grip and the grasshopper jumps into the general direction of Sanghyuk’s face, making the boy scream. Jaehwan sniggers at that.

“You’re so evil!” Sanghyuk exclaims indignantly.

“I’m sorry, but you should’ve seen your face!”

Sanghyuk finally smiles too, and when Jaehwan stops laughing, he sees Sanghyuk’s eyes dropping to his lips.

Fuck no.

“It’s getting cold,” Jaehwan says and sits up, not missing the confused look on Sanghyuk’s face.

“Do you want to go home?”

“We probably should.”

They make their way back to the car in a silence that is not altogether comfortable and Jaehwan fiddles with the sleeves of his jacket all the way back to his flat. The atmosphere is still tense as they walk up the short flight of stairs and Sanghyuk pockets his hands when they stop in front of the door.

“Thanks for coming,” he says with a kind smile, but it’s not completely sincere. Jaehwan feels awful.

“It was nice,” he grins nervously. “I… I hope we can go again, another time.”

“Really?” Sanghyuk asks, his eyes lighting up and his smile getting wider. “I mean, me too.”

“Well…” Jaehwan says, glancing at the intercom.

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk replies as if there was anything he should agree with. “Um, good night.”

“Good night.”

There’s a lingering moment and then Sanghyuk touches Jaehwan’s cheek, his warm hand just brushing the skin as he leans in closer and blinks up, the light once again dimming in his eyes, as if he’s seeing something saddening on Jaehwan’s face. He lets out a small sigh just when Jaehwan forces his eyes closed, but the warmth he expected on his lips doesn’t come. Instead, Sanghyuk presses a small kiss to Jaehwan’s cheek and when Jaehwan opens his eyes, he can only see Sanghyuk’s back moving away towards his car.

He feels like crying.

  
  


“He hates me.”

Hakyeon pinches the bridge of his nose and then takes a long sip of his whiskey and looks up at Jaehwan’s reflection through the mirror Jaehwan is standing in front of, buttoning his shirt.

“You make it very hard not to hate you,” Hakyeon says and crosses his legs on the couch. “Joking aside, he probably doesn’t. He’s just got discouraged by your short and meaningless texts as well as the fact that you didn’t want him to kiss you.”

“I did want him to kiss me,” Jaehwan mumbles. “You know I get too nervous when I’m sober.”

“Which is not a normal thing. Just saying.”

“I know.” Jaehwan sighs and the mirror fogs up. “How do I look?”

“For someone who’s trying to catch someone to sleep with them so they’ll forget about their misery, or for someone who wants to drink until they’re cuddling a toilet bowl?”

“For someone who’s trying to impress Sanghyuk,” Jaehwan replies, the tips of his ears warming up. “He said he’d be there tonight.”

“Oh, so that’s why we’re going there,” Hakyeon nods, drinking.

“No, I’m— uh. Yeah, that’s why.”

Hakyeon only raises one of his eyebrows judgingly, but doesn’t say anything else.

The club is crowded and the atmosphere is stifling with Hakyeon saying hello to every other person, stopping to have a few words with them and introduce Jaehwan.

“I’ll go get a beer,” Jaehwan tells Hakyeon, but his friend isn’t even listening, so Jaehwan makes his way towards the counter.

Once he’s sitting in an armchair with his beer in his hand and two vodka shots in his stomach, Jaehwan finally scans the crowd, but the only familiar face he finds is Hakyeon’s as he walks to the seat next to Jaehwan’s.

“He’s over there, by the other counter,” Hakyeon yells over the music, nodding to the right. “Sanghyuk.”

Jaehwan’s heart skips a beat and resumes pounding in his chest at twice the normal speed.

“Hold my beer,” he says.

“You’re not trying to get into a fight with him, right?” Hakyeon asks, suspiciously eyeing the bottle. “Because that’s exactly how that sounded.”

“No, I just want to talk to him,  _hold my beer_.”

“Why aren’t you just taking it— ugh, forget it.”

Jaehwan springs up from the armchair a little too fast and he gets dizzy, but he manages to stay upright as he pushes his way through the people on the dance floor.

“Sanghyuk,” he shouts while touching Sanghyuk’s shoulder.

Sanghyuk turns away with the remnants of a smile caused by whatever the guy next to him told him on his face, but it quickly melts off and gets replaced by an expression that Jaehwan reads as condescending.

“Jaehwan,” he says, “you didn’t tell me you’d be here.”

Jaehwan doesn’t voice his thoughts about that sounding rude.

“Can we talk?” he asks instead.

Sanghyuk tells his friends he’ll be back soon and lets Jaehwan lead the way outside.

“Where are we going?” Sanghyuk inquires when Jaehwan turns left at the corner of the building.

“I just…” Jaehwan mumbles and stops by the wall, far away from the streetlights. He can still see Sanghyuk’s questioning look and gets nervous, his nails digging into his palms.

This is it. He’s going to do it.

Without thinking about it twice, Jaehwan cups Sanghyuk’s cheeks and kisses him on the mouth, but Sanghyuk isn’t kissing him back and places a hand on Jaehwan’s chest instead, trying to push him away.

“Jaehwan,” he breathes against Jaehwan’s mouth. “Jaehwan.”

Jaehwan pulls back and shuts his eyes tight, sliding down against the concrete wall, hiding his face behind his knees and arms as he sits on the pavement.

Sanghyuk hates him.

He would cry if he could, but he stopped crying several years ago. The last time he cried was when Hongbin told him he didn’t want to be with Jaehwan anymore, because Jaehwan was incapable of loving anybody and was a cold-hearted monster who could only find satisfaction in life in someone’s arms, sated and served according to his needs, without giving back any sort of affection. He said loving Jaehwan was more futile than longing for someone who was long dead.

And he was probably right.

A raindrop falls on the back of his neck and it’s followed by several more, like the sky is mourning whatever this could have been with Sanghyuk, but then the raindrops get smeared on his skin by a warm hand that pulls him in until he’s burying his face into a jacket that smells just like the cloud of perfume in Sanghyuk’s car did back on that beautiful night.

“I don’t really understand what’s going on,” Sanghyuk says with a soft laugh, his fingers carding through Jaehwan’s wet locks, “but, Jaehwan, I wish you would let me get close to you.”

There’s silence between them, the rhythmic tapping of the rain against a manhole cover signalling the seconds they stay unmoving, save for Sanghyuk’s caresses.

“I’ve never been in love,” Jaehwan says finally. “I don’t… I don’t know how it feels to be in love.”

He expects Sanghyuk to let go of him, to leave him there, hurt, because that’s what any person with a little bit of common sense would do.

“You know, I don’t think I was in love before either,” Sanghyuk replies, tightening his hold around Jaehwan. “You might want to laugh at me for being so mushy,” he chuckles, “but I think I’m just learning how it feels to completely fall for someone. I really like you, Jaehwan.”

“You can’t,” Jaehwan shakes his head against Sanghyuk’s jacket. “I mean, what if I won’t be able to love you back?”

“You know what?” Sanghyuk asks and Jaehwan finally looks up, blinking away the rain. He didn’t know it was possible for Sanghyuk to look even more handsome, but somehow he manages, even though he’s soaked to the skin and his dark hair sticks to his forehead. “I’m willing to risk it.”

Jaehwan wants to tell him that’s the worst idea anyone could ever have, but Sanghyuk kisses him then, soft and slow and sweet, no matter the water in their mouths. Sanghyuk strokes the side of his neck and Jaehwan grips his jacket to support himself as he tries to climb closer, leaning into Sanghyuk’s hand on the back of his neck. He feels the corners of Sanghyuk’s lips curving up against his own.

“What are you grinning at?” Jaehwan asks with a smile similar to Sanghyuk’s.

“This is so cliché,” Sanghyuk answers, brushing Jaehwan’s fringe out of his eyes, “kissing in the rain.”

“You took me stargazing on our first date,” Jaehwan says. “You seem to like clichés.”

Sanghyuk laughs at that and kisses Jaehwan again, and, for the second time in his life, Jaehwan feels that pleasant aching in his chest that he felt when he first met Sanghyuk.

And he wants it to ache forever.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk to me about any of my stories or just vixx in general on [tumblr](http://hongbab.tumblr.com/), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/hongbab) or [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1061753) ♡ please support me on [ko-fi.com](https://ko-fi.com/hongbab) if you can ♡


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